Shocking Revelation: Rolling Stones Manager Reveals How Keith Richards Has Been ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’-ed for 35 Years!
Breaking news from London! The longtime Rolling Stones manager, Joyce Smith, recently made a shocking revelation about her secret arrangement with Keith Richards since 1989. Reports confirm that she has been orchestrating a “Weekend at Bernie’s” scenario with Richards’ lifeless body, leaving many wondering how she manages to get him to smoke cigarettes.
Smith shared, “When Keith passed away in the late ’80s, just before a massive world tour to promote ‘Steel Wheels,’ we were faced with a dilemma. However, I had a lightbulb moment when I spotted some sunglasses nearby. I propped them on Keith, and considering the real Keith didn’t move or talk much, Mick and the band gave their approval.” She continued, “I must admit, I received some guidance from the talented folks at the Jim Henson Creature Shop on puppeteering techniques. The Lysol corporation also pitched in to keep his odor in check and lightly lemon-scented. It truly is a collaborative effort, with me being the one who completed a crash course in ventriloquism.”
Initially skeptical, Richards’ bandmates soon warmed up to the unconventional setup. Mick Jagger confessed, “It took me a show or two to adjust to ‘Ol’ Keithy’ always needing assistance nearby, but conversing with him became second nature. It’s like speaking to Kermit or Grover – you overlook the puppeteer and focus on the enduring charm of this timeless character.” Jagger added, “I must admit, I feel a deeper connection to this Keith than when he was alive. While he struggles on the guitar now, living entities undeniably make superior musicians. Thank goodness for backing tracks!”
One community feeling vindicated by this revelation is the online music conspiracy theorists, who have harbored suspicions about this scenario for years. Randy Bergens, the proud owner of domains like KeithRichardsIsDeadAndInAWeekendAtBerniesSituation.net and KeithRichardsIsAliveAndInAMrsDoubtfireSituation.net, remarked, “I always had a hunch! I used to point out the faint wire movements guiding his hands on the fretboard, but people dismissed me as crazy. I even caught a glimpse of one of the puppeteers during an SNL appearance. Thank goodness for live television, the conspiracy theorist’s best ally.” Bergens added, “Now, if only I could garner more supporters for my firm belief that Bob Seger is legally wedded to a vehicle, then I’d truly feel validated.”
As of now, bystanders remain mystified about the mechanics behind Richards’ smoking habit. How does his lifeless body manage such a task? The enigma continues to intrigue and perplex all who ponder this peculiar spectacle unfolding behind the scenes.
